WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
