They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
