when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
