i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
