I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
