I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Pants are for mortals
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
