Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
i drank out of a bidet.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
