Got a toothbrush?
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
