drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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