The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
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