I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
