K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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