I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
