Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
