i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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