not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
