I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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