I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
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