I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Randomize
