So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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