I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
