the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
