I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
God I need to hump something, right now.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
