I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
