The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
