I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
