proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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