remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
