I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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