Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
She told me I should be a condom model.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
