Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize