My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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