that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
