very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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