BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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