i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
