So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
