you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
