The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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