Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
