You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
