The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
