i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
