i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
