new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
