Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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