If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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