Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
