shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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