you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
