isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
