Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
