I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
