3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
