All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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